End Mother Burnout in one Easy Step
Step One:
Do only what you want and what brings you pleasure.
I hear you thinking, “What the hell is this crazy woman talking about?!” Before you roll your eyes and write this step off as unrealistic, mothering heresy, or coming from a woman who obviously doesn’t have any ‘real’ kids, or at least not any ‘real’ struggles, I ask you to bare with me a little while longer. I think you will like where this is going.
First, let me backup a bit and give a picture of what exactly Motherhood burnout is: it is that dry, pinched place we find ourselves in every so often; a place of frustration, exhaustion, and overwhelm; a place where we are constantly feeling the need to catch-up, the lists that never dwindle, where, with each task we feel ourselves being drug through our lives, evermore shadow thin, with no end in site. Our libido is dust, we are shadows of ourselves, our inner fire is sputtering smoke. Motherhood burnout is the dashboard light signaling that we are on empty - we need to refuel or risk breaking down. Which one will it be?
If you want to feel deeply in love with your life, to thrive, rather than just getting by, then one must know which fuel works best for their vehicle, your whole self - body, mind, feelings, and soul-fire. The best fuel is that which feeds and nourishes you most wholly and deeply, that which brings you joy, pleasure, and satisfaction. Do you know what makes you feel most alive?
Honestly, for many of us who reach this point, it is a struggle to recall what makes us joyful and happy - what were those things we did solely for ourselves, just because we enjoyed them and for no other need? Enjoying for the sake of enjoying alone? Connecting with our desires and delights may feel overwhelming after going so long without, or completely impractical when confronting our lists of all the things that need tending, but let’s break this into more bite-size pieces.While I whole-heartedly believe that all mothers (and parents) must follow their bliss in steady doses to maintain health and harmony within and without, this can be a daunting place to begin if we have been out of touch with our creative forces and have fallen into exhaustion. For some, we stare blankly and listlessly when considering what we might enjoy most, what we truly want or desire. We are too tired for the dreaming, too caught up in meeting everyone else’s desires and reacting to the demands, so instead, we must begin more simply, with stillness. We need some baby steps to bliss, mostly in the forms of sleep, rest, and space. More so, we need to learn how to prioritize our needs, our self-care and inner-balance, because if we need justification (which we don’t), then the reality is this: if the car is empty, no one is going anywhere.
Society is full of systems that actively disempower the health and well-being of it’s caretakers, but that is a whole other blog to delve into. For now, to regain your sovereign place as creator and enjoyer of life, let’s begin with these very simple, doable baby steps.
Get plenty of sleep, lounge when you can. Incorporate moments of quiet in the day, to just look out the window, to just Be. These can be small moments to begin, that will eventually grow with ease as you get into the practice of tuning into yourself. Remember that you are doing enough, more than enough.
Your senses are the most immediate gateway to pleasure. Feel the air on your skin, delight in the sun on closed eyelids, the warmth of a cup of coffee in your hands. Bring your attention to the sensations in everything you are doing. When you fold laundry, notice the texture of fabric. Notice beauty - the natural and abundant beauty all around, as well as the beauty you create in your home, the beauty of your child’s exuberance. Get into the practice of noticing and appreciating the amazing sensory world all around you. Tuning into our bodies is an arousing practice that will soon have your creative juices flowing - noticing what feels good is the easiest way to discover what we enjoy and desire more of.
Take at least 10 minutes each day to set aside all thoughts, worries, concerns. No lists, no expectations, no focusing on the needs of others. This is meditation, a quieting of the monkey mind, and it can happen while on a run, while in the garden, while waking up from sleep. I highly recommend doing this upon waking, before the demands of the day fully take hold. Follow and focus on your breath, or the running of the heater or fan, or the sounds of wind and birds — just let your mind focus on a sound or sensation, rather than all of the thoughts that are wanting to rush in. And when they do rush in, because they will, just kiss them gently and send them on their way - you will return to them later, but right now it is all about you. Listen for the whisperings of your inner being. Feel the immense vitality that is your natural state. Place your hand on your heart and whisper “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Start to imagine what it feels like to be fully energized, joyful and alive. To have everything that you want. To only do what brings you pleasure. Go ahead- it's only an imagination, what could it hurt to just let yourself feel it all?
“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” — Albert Einstein
4. Finally, do one thing each day that is just for you, because you want to, because it makes you feel good, because it makes you happy, and it has no other purpose. Maybe it is singing loudly to a favorite song, walking barefoot through grass or doing a cartwheel. Maybe it is putting on makeup, getting dessert, or not cooking dinner. Maybe it’s signing up for a class, reading a book, visiting a friend, or taking yourself out for a meal and a fancy cocktail. It can be anything, it is fully up to you, but do it. Play and have fun. This is where real magic and discovery can happen!
Joy and pleasure are revolutionary acts. They are enlivening and empowering, they create new and ever expanding possibilities. They call our best selves forward. Joyful, thriving, healthy communities are made up of joyful, thriving families, which require joyful, thriving mothers! Read that last sentence again and let it sink in. We need you, not to do more, but enjoy more. Your gift to all of us is not in what you feed your family, how you dress your children, how many stories you read, or how many activities you do together - it is in how you show up to life in your fullness and splendor, boldly enjoying what makes you happy and sharing your radiance - which will in turn, encourage and allow us to do the same. So start re-fueling without remorse or shame or guilt. Re-fuel often, don’t wait for that empty signal. Don’t wait for the emergency. And if you do, that is ok too, because if we do break down, we have no other option than to be still, and that is just where we need to be. This is where a more joyful and empowering journey can begin.
